|august 31, 2014|
"Life a year ago. I said I'd write a reflection today. I'm going to be 100% real no social media image here. Right now in this point in time I am extremely alone. More than this, I am lonely. People often make a distinction but I don't think it's an accurate one. There is a difference between being alone and being by yourself. Most people need time to be by themselves but being alone is a very different experience. Being by yourself suggests that there's a tangible accessibility to other people. Being alone is the absence of that accessibility. It is having access to solely yourself. It is the place that fosters the running away to one's mind to a different world, romanticized but rather than harmlessly idyllic, can turn to something more sinister: a dangerous delusion, one that is irresistible to its god (the thinker). Alone is more than fomo. Alone is more than those complacent simple people in movies who have a secret untapped need for romance (😒). Alone is a place where you look at your surroundings and can't picture anyone who would realistically be there. Alone is square zero. The blurry, undefined area before the starting line of whatever lies beyond it. Is it a social life? Is it a romantic life? Is it a fulfilling career? Is it happiness or some misconstrued idea of it? This is where I am. This is not a pity post, do not mistake my transparency for weakness or a call for attention. It is a healthy acknowledgment that a change of pace is needed in order for me to get past 22. It is time to stop thinking of the great friendships that could have been and think about the great friendships that might come. It is time to stop thinking of the boys that were and weren't and think about the Jenoris that is and always has been and will continue to be. It is time to stop thinking about the missed opportunities and joys and fun and focus on how I can take back my youth for myself. I cannot continue to stand idly and watch myself deteriorate into a highly depressed and lonely mess while all the indifferent world passes me by. Above all it is time for me to accept that even if I don't make these great connections I very deeply wish for in this next year of my life that any insignificance I carry in another persons life had no affect whatsoever on my inherent value as a person. I am more than a thoughtful Instagram post, more than a funny Facebook status, more than that weird person taking iPhone photos of strangers on the 1 train. I am Jenoris Motherfucking Caba. I exist. I am here. I matter and I love myself and my God. This is enough."
Taken from my instagram post on August 31, 2015