Saturday, September 19, 2015

twenty two

august 31, 2014

     "Life a year ago. I said I'd write a reflection today. I'm going to be 100% real no social media image here. Right now in this point in time I am extremely alone. More than this, I am lonely. People often make a distinction but I don't think it's an accurate one. There is a difference between being alone and being by yourself. Most people need time to be by themselves but being alone is a very different experience. Being by yourself suggests that there's a tangible accessibility to other people. Being alone is the absence of that accessibility. It is having access to solely yourself. It is the place that fosters the running away to one's mind to a different world, romanticized but rather than harmlessly idyllic, can turn to something more sinister: a dangerous delusion, one that is irresistible to its god (the thinker). Alone is more than fomo. Alone is more than those complacent simple people in movies who have a secret untapped need for romance (😒). Alone is a place where you look at your surroundings and can't picture anyone who would realistically be there. Alone is square zero. The blurry, undefined area before the starting line of whatever lies beyond it. Is it a social life? Is it a romantic life? Is it a fulfilling career? Is it happiness or some misconstrued idea of it? This is where I am. This is not a pity post, do not mistake my transparency for weakness or a call for attention. It is a healthy acknowledgment that a change of pace is needed in order for me to get past 22. It is time to stop thinking of the great friendships that could have been and think about the great friendships that might come. It is time to stop thinking of the boys that were and weren't and think about the Jenoris that is and always has been and will continue to be. It is time to stop thinking about the missed opportunities and joys and fun and focus on how I can take back my youth for myself. I cannot continue to stand idly and watch myself deteriorate into a highly depressed and lonely mess while all the indifferent world passes me by. Above all it is time for me to accept that even if I don't make these great connections I very deeply wish for in this next year of my life that any insignificance I carry in another persons life had no affect whatsoever on my inherent value as a person. I am more than a thoughtful Instagram post, more than a funny Facebook status, more than that weird person taking iPhone photos of strangers on the 1 train. I am Jenoris Motherfucking Caba. I exist. I am here. I matter and I love myself and my God. This is enough."

Taken from my instagram post on August 31, 2015

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

September Moodboard

I'll get a corkboard eventually
I decided to finally create a physical moodboard. For some reason digital things rarely resonate with me. I can't really write anything if I'm looking at a screen (at the moment I have like 4 or 5 pending posts on this blog, only one of which made it into an actual draft), I can't take photos for my Actual Photography if I can see them immediately after anymore, and I couldn't be bothered to make this moodboard which I'd been wanting to do since last week unless I decided to actual sit, search, print, and tape. Right now I'm trying to clean as an indirect means of taking back some control over my surroundings after going through a thankfully brief emotional and mental slump. This moodboard is a mixture of what I want in my life in September, what I know my life to be at this moment, and the things that help me rationalize my existence and validate my feelings and experiences. I'll post a reflection I posted on my birthday last week that helps contextualize all of this a little better. If not tonight or tomorrow then definitely sometime this week. Also a happy birthday to all my fellow Virgo's out there. Shoutsout to the cutout illustration of Mercury, our ruling planet.

September is usually the time for oranges and reds as summer comes to a close and fall comes in. Something about that overquoted quote about life starting over when the leaves turn in autumn?? Or something?? For me it feels so opposite that this year. Life for me is in the summer and I largely let it pass me by. Everything gets a little bit darker a little bit earlier in September, everything is getting prepared to go quiet.
Roberto Clemente is honored at the park I frequent down the road from me. He passed away at 38 trying to deliver emergency relief/aid to victims of an earthquake in Nicaragua. I hope that with everything I'm given that I can refocus and spend what is rational on myself, but what is compassionate for others as well. In a stark contrast and irony, to the right of Roberto is a jacket I desperately want for the fall but cannot locate anywhere on the internet. 
Moods, environments, and feelings that I appreciate in a more positive light in the colder months than I ever could in the summer. Except for rain, I love rain in any season. Solitude equal parts more warm and more cool in a relaxing way when everything gets darker and colder. Trips to the supermarket begin to carry a different magic.

I've had a strong urge to just pack up and move out West lately. Los Angeles could just be any other escape that doesn't hold much more for me than where I am now, but it doesn't feel that way. I need the warmth and a different kind of outside. I don't know that I will for now but yeah, I identify heavy with homie's shirt. Speaking of LA, the bottom photo is by Los Angeles photographer James Stanciell. The image to the right is a still of Los Angeles rapper Earl Sweatshirt (who I saw last month) from his video for Chum. The back of his sweater says "WHAT THE FUCK IS REALLY GOING ON" seemingly as a response to adjusting to a life he'd had no say in building when he returned from boarding school. 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

goodwill haul #1: may 2015

yesterday was a beautiful day. i went to my first goodwill (though admittedly i've been buying stuff of their website for ages) and i fell in hearteyesemoji.jpg. i bought a lot of crap i don't need and a lot of stuff i convinced myself i needed and then one thing i did need (a place to store all my negatives since my old storage was too small). apart from what's pictured in this post, i bought a photo album, a shirt for my dad, and a two-photo opening frame.

basket, 99¢; to do list and pen, 99¢

mug, 99¢; large pink storage container, $2.99

pink lava lamp, $4.00

orange lava lamp (pictured here with the pink lava lamp base while the bulb
for the actual base is making its way in the mail), $4.99

tie-dye shirt for the summer, $2.99

so about the pink lava lamp. i was tempted to buy the top part lamp just because i loved how it looked.

the base was in the electronics section and i found the actual liquid-filled "lamp" in pink color wares section of the store. when i saw the base, i was actually looking for a purple lava lamp whose empty box was cast aside. as it turned out, the base wouldn't have fit the actual lamp anyway (the orange one just barely sits on it and doesn't actually fit inside). luckily, because i have i genius IQ of 42394873984 i was able to put 2 and 2 together and realize that i now had a beautiful pink lava lamp in my disgusting, evil clutches. it's been love ever since.

what was your last great thrift shop find/favorite find ever? what's your favorite thrift shop? do you struggle with keeping that godforsaken macklemore song out of your head? hmu with all your thoughtz and onions in the comments!