Friday, May 27, 2016

Allow me to Reintroduce Myself

     This blog never worked out! Holy shit! Wowza! And do you know why? Because I exhausted too much efforts in trying to be, like, a blog. Like an established, wow-the-whole-universe-already-gives-a-damn-even-though-no-one-knows-my-name-ass blog. And that ain't me! I'm me. I'm Jenoris and if I'm going to be frank (sans ocean, #July2015 amirite?), I'm not as passionate about fashion as I pretended to when I started this. Like don't get me wrong, I care about it, just not deeply. The only line I ever actively look up every fashion month (which feels like it's every month, am I wrong on this? what happened to just week? or was that never a thing? I should brush up on my Fashion History™) is The Row and only visually because it's out of range in both size and price. Praying on the day that its designers Ashley Olsen and Mary-Kate Olsen decide that their beautiful, loose fit silhouettes would actually be perfect for plus size customers. But oh well. Until then, I guess.

    Anyway, in the interest of being honest, I should state up front that this blog's primary purpose is for me to have a place in which to regularly hone my writing skills. I don't know if anyone actually uses blogger anymore (kudos if you do and if you have an audience because wow talk about a time capsule of a platform) but I will simply because this kind of blog would live and die in the same breath on, say, tumblr or... what else even exists anymore? Anyway, right now my main platform for writing is my instagram and especially The Pulp Zine, an online zine for which I am currently a writer and Managing Editor. I try to post new content on there at least once a month and if I can actually dedicate myself to this I guess I'll keep all 1 and 3/10ths of y'all updated on that. These are my pieces for this month:

Cleaning, a diary entry concerning mental illness and self-care.
A Pulp Day In BK, a photo diary of a day spent with Actual Angels® and co-staff at TPZ in Brooklyn attending art things and talking art stuff and whatnot.

     So here's the impressive stuff about me: I've had words and photos published online (mostly on TPZ). I'm doing a shoot next month for La Liga Zine and will showcase photos from the shoot at their show at Silent Barn on June 24th! I have a few other interesting creds I could sprinkle in here but for safety reasons, cannot. All in all, for a writer and photographer this shit ain't all that bad right? Living the dream right, my brosephs? Wrong. Very Wrong.

     I do all of this work out of passion and love for the publications and actual artwork and process. I don't make hecking zip from it (yet, hopefully). I work at a Ben & Jerry's at an airport and and I fuckening dislike it (this is Good Christian for wow I h*te it). This isn't me being all suburban asshole punk bank like wow I hate my town I can't get out of here like my job actually is draining. It feels like a hole in which to bury my failures but also a monument to how much I haven't done (yet, hopefully). But it's not a monument I built. It was one that was already there that I'm forced to be inside of 5 times a week that's filled with Bostonians with terrible attitudes and racist Floridians as well as people who get really REALLY upset about Ben & Jerry's not carrying that most ghastly of flavors, rum raisin.

     I'm hoping, praying I can stay faithful to this blog so it can motivate me to stay faithful in my other ventures including those mentioned earlier in this post, as well as personal ones and a newsletter that I like totally abandoned after the first email. Waiting for the second letter, I think, must feel like how it felt waiting for Lady Gaga to put out Schieße in 2012 and instead watching, painfully, as Marry The Night flopped. I still mourn over that because that song was #fire and a #bop.

     Anyway, I actually do have the second letter written out and have for a long time, I just haven't sent it because. . . / ? ? sdklja  /? ? ?

     Anyway x2, this is what I look like (post aggressive session in VSCO cam and actually taking care of my skin last week). You can see how dead I am inside. What a #look. My hair doesn't look this good all the time (or ever, really) so soak it in, heckos!

Yours Truly, Sincerely, Frankly,

Saturday, September 19, 2015

twenty two

august 31, 2014

     "Life a year ago. I said I'd write a reflection today. I'm going to be 100% real no social media image here. Right now in this point in time I am extremely alone. More than this, I am lonely. People often make a distinction but I don't think it's an accurate one. There is a difference between being alone and being by yourself. Most people need time to be by themselves but being alone is a very different experience. Being by yourself suggests that there's a tangible accessibility to other people. Being alone is the absence of that accessibility. It is having access to solely yourself. It is the place that fosters the running away to one's mind to a different world, romanticized but rather than harmlessly idyllic, can turn to something more sinister: a dangerous delusion, one that is irresistible to its god (the thinker). Alone is more than fomo. Alone is more than those complacent simple people in movies who have a secret untapped need for romance (😒). Alone is a place where you look at your surroundings and can't picture anyone who would realistically be there. Alone is square zero. The blurry, undefined area before the starting line of whatever lies beyond it. Is it a social life? Is it a romantic life? Is it a fulfilling career? Is it happiness or some misconstrued idea of it? This is where I am. This is not a pity post, do not mistake my transparency for weakness or a call for attention. It is a healthy acknowledgment that a change of pace is needed in order for me to get past 22. It is time to stop thinking of the great friendships that could have been and think about the great friendships that might come. It is time to stop thinking of the boys that were and weren't and think about the Jenoris that is and always has been and will continue to be. It is time to stop thinking about the missed opportunities and joys and fun and focus on how I can take back my youth for myself. I cannot continue to stand idly and watch myself deteriorate into a highly depressed and lonely mess while all the indifferent world passes me by. Above all it is time for me to accept that even if I don't make these great connections I very deeply wish for in this next year of my life that any insignificance I carry in another persons life had no affect whatsoever on my inherent value as a person. I am more than a thoughtful Instagram post, more than a funny Facebook status, more than that weird person taking iPhone photos of strangers on the 1 train. I am Jenoris Motherfucking Caba. I exist. I am here. I matter and I love myself and my God. This is enough."

Taken from my instagram post on August 31, 2015

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

September Moodboard

I'll get a corkboard eventually
I decided to finally create a physical moodboard. For some reason digital things rarely resonate with me. I can't really write anything if I'm looking at a screen (at the moment I have like 4 or 5 pending posts on this blog, only one of which made it into an actual draft), I can't take photos for my Actual Photography if I can see them immediately after anymore, and I couldn't be bothered to make this moodboard which I'd been wanting to do since last week unless I decided to actual sit, search, print, and tape. Right now I'm trying to clean as an indirect means of taking back some control over my surroundings after going through a thankfully brief emotional and mental slump. This moodboard is a mixture of what I want in my life in September, what I know my life to be at this moment, and the things that help me rationalize my existence and validate my feelings and experiences. I'll post a reflection I posted on my birthday last week that helps contextualize all of this a little better. If not tonight or tomorrow then definitely sometime this week. Also a happy birthday to all my fellow Virgo's out there. Shoutsout to the cutout illustration of Mercury, our ruling planet.

September is usually the time for oranges and reds as summer comes to a close and fall comes in. Something about that overquoted quote about life starting over when the leaves turn in autumn?? Or something?? For me it feels so opposite that this year. Life for me is in the summer and I largely let it pass me by. Everything gets a little bit darker a little bit earlier in September, everything is getting prepared to go quiet.
Roberto Clemente is honored at the park I frequent down the road from me. He passed away at 38 trying to deliver emergency relief/aid to victims of an earthquake in Nicaragua. I hope that with everything I'm given that I can refocus and spend what is rational on myself, but what is compassionate for others as well. In a stark contrast and irony, to the right of Roberto is a jacket I desperately want for the fall but cannot locate anywhere on the internet. 
Moods, environments, and feelings that I appreciate in a more positive light in the colder months than I ever could in the summer. Except for rain, I love rain in any season. Solitude equal parts more warm and more cool in a relaxing way when everything gets darker and colder. Trips to the supermarket begin to carry a different magic.

I've had a strong urge to just pack up and move out West lately. Los Angeles could just be any other escape that doesn't hold much more for me than where I am now, but it doesn't feel that way. I need the warmth and a different kind of outside. I don't know that I will for now but yeah, I identify heavy with homie's shirt. Speaking of LA, the bottom photo is by Los Angeles photographer James Stanciell. The image to the right is a still of Los Angeles rapper Earl Sweatshirt (who I saw last month) from his video for Chum. The back of his sweater says "WHAT THE FUCK IS REALLY GOING ON" seemingly as a response to adjusting to a life he'd had no say in building when he returned from boarding school.